Mass Effect: When Later Comes
by Mana4X2
Summary: A Mass Effect fan fic set straight after the decision to make Captain Anderson the first human Council Member. For now the mission is over, downtime is upon them. There is time to think. Too much time...


**ME: When Later Comes**

Did she feel any regret? Did she care? Somewhere maybe she did, she'd been the one to make the decision and only now was starting to picture how terrified those upon the Ascension must have felt when their calls for distress had been ignored. When was it ever easy to decide between the fate of the entire universe and the fate of some, spurred on by Garrus and Kaidan as she'd stood there before the Citadel main control panel, the choices running through her head? There was no going back now. No changing what she had done.

The side of her that was still angry at their complete lack of belief in what she and her crew had found felt a great deal of satisfaction. They'd gotten what they'd deserved in the end. Stupid fools! Forcing them to become fugitives to even have a chance at stopping what would still take quite a few months for the Citadel to completely recover from. Had they listened in the first place, even the second, third, really, how many times had they tried to convince them? Things would've worked out different, and such a call would never have needed to be made.

She could keep the face of strength and determination when there was no time to dwell on it, but when later came the façade began to fall. The only thing stopping her from dwelling upon everything now was the person waiting for her the fair distance away nearby to one of the intact Rapid Transit terminals. Although there had been no true time to show it, except for when he'd come to her before they'd reached Ilos, his very presence had held her together through all they had just been through. No one had caught her attention the way he had. No one had ever been allowed to get that close.

Genuine, honest, gentle and strong, Kaidan Alenko was what her heart had been missing all this time.

"Everything okay, Commander?" he asked.

"Are we back to this again, Kaidan?" she asked him, a knowing edge to the smile she'd been giving him on the walk over.

"Just trying to keep it professional considering where we are at the moment, Comman… Shepard," he answered, glancing past her.

"They are too wrapped up in the decision just made to notice."

"And what decision was that?"

"To make one of them the first human representatives for the new Council and of course, they needed my input on that," she explained, looking back over her shoulder. It was clear she really couldn't be bothered with this side of things.

"Who did you choose and if you say Udina I'm going to have to shoot you, and then maybe him as well," Kaidan was only half joking. That guy was a jerk.

"If I'd chosen Udina I would've shot myself," Shepard assured him, reaching her hand out to activate the X3M terminal.

"Where to now?" he asked.

"Back to the Normandy, I have a crew to thank and dismiss for some downtime."

"I was hoping you'd say that."

It was difficult not to show him how she felt on the ride back to C-Sec. The way they looked at each other was enough. She knew why the rules regarding fraternizing with fellow officers were in place and for a long time she'd agreed with them. All sorts of problems could be caused, emotions getting in the way of what truly had to be achieved. Then she'd met a man who'd managed to so easily break through all the barriers she'd put up, all the promises she'd made herself that she'd never let anyone into that circle where ever losing them would once again hurt like hell.

~I let Ashley die because I love him,~ in the instant that thought hit her, she steeled herself, sucked up the needed reaction for a later time. Would she have chosen different if she hadn't? Kaidan's biotic skills were unsurpassed, that was a reason to keep him around. Ash was just a soldier… she quickened her pace towards the elevator. ~I'm about to be alone in there with him…~ she felt like she was about to explode.

Emotions could only be held in for so long. Needing time alone to think… maybe she shouldn't be alone. ~Just hold on,~ she inwardly begged. If only those who'd put their implicit trust in her knew about this side, the part of her that often collapsed, only to be rebuilt through sheer determination and the will to never let anyone see her as anything less than the Soldier.

It felt like the elevator was taking far too long, grateful for the small reprieve of her helmet hiding her face. She should've known that wouldn't have been enough though, feeling his touch as he slipped his hand into hers, stepping up so close it made her heart beat faster.

""Something's wrong," he stated.

~Don't do that. Don't read me,~ she thought, a silent breath taken before she answered him. "Nothing a good rest won't fix," yeah, such a lie. There was no way she'd be sleeping anytime soon.

As if Kaidan didn't know there was more to it than that. There was tenseness in her body language, rigidness in her refusal to look at him in that moment, both of which she couldn't hide. She loved him for so many reasons, and one of them showed itself now. He didn't push her; he never pushed her to tell him anything. It'd taken long enough to convince the Lieutenant he meant more to her than simply a fellow teammate and friend. It was a quality that'd drawn her to him; one she now silently thanked him for by reciprocating his show of affection, tightening her hand around his.

They parted ways onboard the Normandy, Shepard wishing she could retreat to her quarters straight away, watching Alenko until he'd disappeared through one of the doors leading downstairs. Eyes taking in the bodies still at their various consoles, the Commander shook her head. No, her needs could wait. She turned around and covered the distance to stand beside the main pilot's chair.

"Need to address the crew, Joker," she said.

"Go ahead."

"Crew of the SSV Normandy…" Shepard paused. How impersonal that sounded. "Let's just cut the formalities," she continued. "Despite how I came to be in the place as your Commander and through all the decisions, including the one that could've seen us all imprisoned or worse, dead, you had my back when I needed it the most. We've managed to defeat one of the most powerful sentient ships in the galaxy but the rest of the Reapers are still out there. Our mission has only really just begun…" words trailed off for a moment, a brief glance given towards a pilot she'd entrust her life to again in a heartbeat. "Still, no one can expect more than you are capable of giving. It's time for all of you to take your leave, five days however you wish to spend it. That's an order," she finished, lifting her finger off the intercom.

"So, we're not heading off to kick some Reaper butt yet then?" Joker said. "Well, that's kind of disappointing."

"Oh, if you'd like to stay and keep going be my guest," Shepard told him. "No tiredness, no fatigue. Don't need a rest?"

"I never said that," he was quick to clarify.

"Even you need to have some fun, Joker, so get to it," she told him, already in the process of leaving the deck. Without pause in her step she said over her shoulder, "Oh, and you were right. You i_are/i_ the best damn pilot there is."

Joker's appreciative grin was witnessed only by the controls in front of him.

Personally thanking those who caught her attention on the way, Shepard didn't linger long enough to get into any lengthy conversations. She could feel the emotions broiling, to the point that soon she'd end up reacting in ways that'd make others feel her recent commendations were far from genuine. Actions she would regret later because it was no one's fault what she was currently experiencing. It happened every damn time, her way of dealing. She needed to be alone and the only place she could find that was in her personal quarters. Problem was she had to go right past Alenko to get to them.

~Just, leave me alone, Kaidan,~ she silently begged, the door right there and now opening. When it closed behind her the relief almost made her knees give way, a hand lifting to press the button to lock it. She paused… no, if she did that anyone who came to see her would know something was definitely wrong. Leave it open.

After a moment of composing herself she started to get undressed. In-built body cooling system or not, it still felt real good to get the armor off, not caring in the slightest where it was left, strewn on the floor, naked by the time she reached the bathroom. This was not a door she would leave open, securing it before she climbed into the shower.

The water was pleasant, but it did nothing to chase away the thoughts plaguing her. Why was it each time she came back from one mission, she'd begin replaying every single other one she'd ever been on, and it would always, always lead her right back to recalling what she could remember of Mindoir. Swapping between reprimanding herself for not doing more to help, to stop the slaughter, save her family, to knowing she'd only been sixteen, so young, what could she have done. She wasn't a biotic back then, there were no powers to call on, and none of the experience she had now to tap into.

Turning off the water, she paused to take a deep breath, green eyes looking down at the floor. Tears were burning, threatening to fall, but she refused to let them fall. Moving over to the sink, she wiped away a section of moisture on the mirror, staring at herself through droplets somewhat distorting her features. She went through the motions of drying herself off and running a brush through shoulder length black hair while images played over and over through her mind. Satisfaction, relief, anger, sadness, shock, understanding, love...

It was only when she gazed at the mirror again and saw Ashley looking back that what was left of the wall crumbled so forcefully and wholly she needed to clasp the sink just to stay upright.

On the other side of the door, a hand touched the steel barrier standing in his way, his heart breaking at the sound he could hear. She was hurting, the woman he loved was in agony and he couldn't get in there to help her! He opened his mouth to say her name, but thought better of it. Knowing he was overhearing everything might only serve to add to the pain. He should leave her be, it was obviously what she wanted. He couldn't. He i_wouldn't_/i. Fingers ran over the cold surface, mind remembering what it felt like to do that to her.

"Mana," Kaidan finally whispered, using her first name, rarely spoken. "Mana, I'm here, let me in."

Wiping at her tears as she turned her head towards the door, Shepard just stared, before placing her hands over her face. As if going through all this wasn't bad enough, to know someone else now knew there was a weaker side to the soldier, the so-called Vanguard War Hero they'd all put their trust in. Uncovering her face, she rested her elbows on drawn up knees, sitting down with her back against the wall beneath the sink.

"Now isn't the time, Kaidan," she answered him. "Just… later."

"I can't just walk away, Mana," his voice was muffled, the sentiment in the inflection causing her to once again look intently at the door.

"You don't need to see me like this. No one needs to see me like this," the last bit said so softly the Lieutenant didn't hear it.

"Why, because you're just like everyone else, dealing with the moment when it all finally hits you? You once told me to hold it together long enough to get the job done. For now the mission is over, you need the downtime just as much as everyone else. Thing is… you're not alone anymore, Mana. I'm here, I want to help. Don't shut me out, not now, not after what we've been through. I love you. You can't ask me to just stand by while you are hurting."

Hearing movement, several seconds, maybe a full minute of silence before there was no longer anything between them, he took a step back. Green eyes locked with brown and Kaidan was torn between moving to put his arms around her and adhering to the warning in her look. He didn't follow when she walked straight past him. She couldn't handle the sympathy. Couldn't deal with the fact someone was now so damn close to her he didn't care if she was at her best or worst. Commander Mana Shepard was too hardened to managing things alone.

"Thanks… for caring," she started, "but I'm just going to go to bed, so, you may as well leave."

There was a pause, then a movement so quick Mana wasn't quite sure how he'd actually managed it, the distance between them crossed so he was clasping both sides of her face and staring at her intensely. "Damnit Mana, open your eyes," he reached for her hand and lifted it up touch his face, "Feel that, this is real. I'm real. Stop acting like you don't need me."

The longer she let herself look at him, soak in his touch, his scent, everything about a man who'd caused her to feel in areas she thought she'd never get a chance to experience, the more she felt the tears glisten. He'd been her choice and someone had died because of it. She put her hands around his wrists, firmly but gently removing them, feeling his eyes on her as she moved over to sit on the edge of the bed. Her back to him, she spoke without words, i_Go away, just leave me alone/i_.

"You are so damn stubborn," Kaidan told her, Shepard feeling a deep sense of relief when she heard the door open. At the sound of it closing again she experienced something she wasn't ready for, an overwhelming desire to get up and go after him, to call out and tell him to stay. She didn't turn around though, just kept her eyes on the corner of the wall in front of her.

Ashley must've known why she'd chosen Kaidan, in that instant of waiting for her Commander to make the choice she would've understood it was never going to be her. How could she do that? How could she let her feelings get in the way? Now she got it, had she been a stickler for the rules love would never have clouded her judgment. Her decision would've been objective, taking into account which area was closer and the better choice for the Normandy to pick them up, which soldier had the better skill set for the battles to come. In the end though, it didn't matter how she'd looked at it, she'd had to choose one life over the other. To most it may have looked easy, like she handled it well. Truth was she never did.

The day it became second nature was the day she knew she didn't deserve to be in charge of anything.

"I'm sorry Ash," she whispered. "I'm sorry," her voice broke at the last minute, the fresh set of tears let go. Her fist hit the wall, anger and sorrow, the guilt flowing through her in waves. "I should've sent someone to get you, they could've made it while I went back," she felt the movement at about the same time she registered she wasn't by herself at all. Suddenly there was warmth behind her, arms encircling protectively and pulling her back against a body she'd thought had left the room only moments ago.

Kaidan had meant what he'd said. Even though it'd been her wish, he couldn't leave her. It'd been easy enough to make it sound like he had. He'd never stepped through the door, simply pressed in the command to lock it and moved back into the shadows of the room. He wouldn't have taken it personally if she'd pushed him away right now, or at least tried to, but she didn't. The complete opposite came, and he saw in front of him what he'd only been able to hear before.

There were no words, only tears, Mana leaning into him, her head resting on his chest, one hand still on the bed while her other clasped his arm around her shoulders. He wasn't going to let her go, and Shepard finally realized she didn't want him to. All that defensive attitude before, all that not wishing anyone to see past the façade, she was grateful he didn't listen to her, thankful for his own stubbornness, but most of all, desperate for the love he was showing her unconditionally.

He was right, she needed him.


End file.
